


Rainmaker

by Walker_August



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader-Insert, Regret, Unrequited Love, javiers pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27237370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walker_August/pseuds/Walker_August
Summary: Prompt: petrichor - the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a long period of dry weather &  whelve - to bury something deep, to hide.
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	Rainmaker

It’s torture.

She’s in his car, the sweet floral smell of her perfume and the intoxicating lilt of her voice invading his senses. She’s talking animatedly, hands waving as she describes something he’s barely even listening to. Javier is trying to concentrate on the road, the rain beating against the wind shield so heavy the wipers can barely keep up. But every time she moves her hand, he sees the bright flash of it, the shimmering reflection in the corner of his eye. 

The ring.

The ring is obscene to him, the large oval shaped diamond taunting him with every movement. The bright blur of it through the air while she tells him excitedly about their planning, making him sick with something he doesn’t like to put a name to.

Javier had never considered himself jealous by nature, but right now he’s aching to grab her and remove the ring – throw it out the window and let it be crushed under the pressure of the tyres while he begs her to have him instead.

It should’ve been him.

Not even a full year ago it could have been him. Back then she bloomed and breathed and smiled for him and his wanting affections only. She offered him everything of herself; a warm, soft place for his heart to be kept and cared for. Hope. And in the very seat she’s in now, he had kissed her and held her and said yes. Promised her a thousand beautiful things.

If he had known then that she would move on so easily, maybe he would have really kept those promises, maybe he wouldn’t have retreated from her love. He would have allowed himself to be loved. Let her try to convince him he deserved it even though he never once believed her. ‘We’re better as friends,’ he had lied. ‘-I can’t give you what you need’ that was the truth, at least.

It hadn’t surprised him that she was still here, spending time with him even after everything. That’s just her, patient and merciful. He’s glad they were still friends, that she hadn’t disappeared from his life completely. After all she was almost all Javier had outside of work, and was truly one of the few people who knew him well enough to never let him completely retreat into his bleakness.

But in truth he thinks perhaps he still makes a point to see her almost every week because he wants to suffer - he needs the pain. He deserves to feel lost in his heartache because he let her go. 

He was stupid.

She had told him about the engagement last week, more a passing announcement than anything, but Javier had barely registered what she said. It wasn’t a tangible thing then; he wasn’t blinded by its obnoxious radiance, he couldn’t feel the cold of the gem permeating in to his very being like he could now. It hadn’t been real, up until now. 

Now though it pierces him, he can barely breathe with how sharp and cool this new part of her is. Fuck, he hates it. Seethes on the thought of seeing it crack and shatter. No mercy even though he knows how unfair that is.

Eventually, he pulls up outside her building and she is still talking but Javier doesn’t even pretend to be listening now. He can’t think. He can’t breathe. There’s a buzz in his head and he’s drowning in icy woe and the too-sweet fragrance that is only hers. Once they’re stopped she turns to him. He feels her hand press down on his knee, the hard band of the ring there indenting in to his skin below the denim. A pretty weight made of lead.

He has to stop himself from flinching away.

“Are you okay, Javi?” concern crosses her features. He’s been too quiet.

What can he say? What can he tell her?

‘No, no I’m not okay. No, I fucked up and I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life’?

‘No. I miss you too much. I miss when your smile was for me, and how perfectly you fit against me. I miss making you laugh, that cute little giggle when I tell you how perfect you are. I miss when you loved me and I wish like hell I hadn’t been so afraid of screwing up’?

‘No, I fucking hate myself for letting go of you. Every time I see how happy he makes you I feel like I’m being stabbed and it’s all my fault because I was too scared to let you in, to believe you would want to stay and deal with all the baggage I come with.’?

‘No, because I keep dreaming every night that you’ll come back to me and forgive me for messing everything up. Dreaming that I finally, finally tell you I love you and you tell me I’m the only one you’ve ever wanted. Fuck, I want you to leave him and run away with me. Let’s start fresh, let’s be happy. I want to be happy, for you’?

“Javi?” she asks again, squeezing gently where her hand lies.

After a beat, she turns and opens the car door thinking he needs some air. She’s right, of course, she never realises how right she is about him.

When she does, the smell of the fresh rain on the dusty pavement fills the car and Javier can suddenly breathe again. 

He swallows down the crisp, restoring air and lets it wash through him – clearing his mind of all the foggy, desperate thoughts of what could have been. He lets the dozens of scrapped notes in his memory fade away, feels the clawing in his heart subside slowly with each tender breeze of the cleansing atmosphere outside the little bubble of sorrow.

He breathes in once, out slowly, in again.

“I’m good, cariño” he answers finally, shaking off the heartache and turning to her with a smile that only hurts a little.

Satisfied, she smiles back at him – bright and full of colour that makes him warm despite it all.

That’s all it takes. That one moment, her pleased expression and the small kiss on the cheek before she leaves for Javier to know he’s done for. 

He knows, without doubt, if it means keeping her light in his life he will always choose the torture over any less painful option.

Especially if it means he gets to make her smile again.


End file.
